The Headache Excuse


Farmer walks into the bedroom with a lamb under his arm and says, “This is the pig I’m f*cking when you have a headache .” The wife says, “That’s a lamb you moron!” The farmer replies, “I was talking to the lamb!”

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So I went to the doctor to get a physical, and he tells me, “you need to stop masturbating.”


I asked “why, Doc?”

“Because I’m trying to give you a physical.

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Kids say the darnedest things
A mother and her 8 year old son are driving down the highway behind a semi-truck that is filled with dildos, unbeknownst to the mother and son. The truck hits a big bump in the road, and a dildo flies out and hits their windshield.

The kid jumps and says, “Mommy what was that?”

The mom, unwilling to explain, says “don’t worry sweetie. It was just a bug.”

The kid raises his eyebrows and says “Wow. That bug’s got a big d*ck.”

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Bet it on Black
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.

“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

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Camel Back
A British officer is newly assigned to a remote foreign outpost.

After a few weeks, he quietly takes a sergeant aside and asks “What do the men do when they feel … you know … urges.”

The sergeant nods and starts “Right sir, well there’s a camel …” but is immediately cut off by the officer.

“I can’t even imagine being that desperate!”

The weeks turn to months. He gets that desperate. Afterwards, battered and kicked he’s talking to the sergeant.

“My, that was unpleasant, I don’t know how the men put up with it.”

“Well sir, the men usually just ride the camel to the nearest town and visit the brothel.”

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks him, “what are we celebrating tonight?” The man tells him, “My first blowjob.” The bartender then says, “congrats! The 11th is on me.” The man then exclaims, “hell no! If 10 shots can’t get the taste out of my mouth, i don’t think the 11th one will make a difference.”

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A young woman stands on the sidewalk, holding her phone. “My phone is dead, I don’t have much money…but I’ll do anything to talk to my dear old mother!”

A man steps up to her and asks, “Anything?”

The woman replies “Yes, ANYTHING!”

The man says “Follow me!”

They walk further down the street, enter a building, he leads her down a dark corridor until they reach a backroom.

He tells her, “Come in and close the door.”

The young woman does this. Then he says, “Get on your knees.” She does. He then says, “Take down my zipper.” She does. Then he says, “Go ahead, take it out.”

The young woman takes it out and holds it with both hands. The man is impatient, “Well, go ahead!”

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very close to her lips she says “HELLO, MOM?”

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